Sunrise

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is

to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
- Marcus Aurelius
I was on my way to school today and amid my hasty routine and pending to-do list, I watched the sunrise over the swiftly changing trees of a fall morning. The colors were spectacular, more blue than they usually are with bits of brilliant clouds snaking across the sky. Between them rose the golden sun. What a glorious start to the days, and once again, I was reminded of how lucky we are to be alive. Even up early is a blessing. Thank the schedules and the grind because they often afford sights like this sunrise. It is such a magnificent world we've been placed in. I don't think any of it was done without absolute consideration and planning. It is a grand gift to have the days begin with a bright glowing hope and the nights to be bathed in a soft creamy light. I know I am lucky and I am thankful for all I've been given. I don't always act as grateful as I should. I complain and stress along with everyone else, sometimes I think more so, but this world never fails to remind me, as it did this morning, to never take a second for granted. Never look without truly seeing. Notice the shades of blue and the puzzle of clouds across a morning sky and your day will start with the reminder of these careful, thoughtful gifts. These sunrises, sunsets, whatever and everything... Don't get too busy to notice. It didn't take much effort to think about it as I drove to work, multitasking is ok. Just take in the glory of the day and let it fill you completely. You still have errands and work and school and commitments but isn't it great to accomplish those things on a beautiful day? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Wild

A thousand horse and none to ride! -
With flowing tail, and flying mane,
Wide nostrils never stretched by pain,
Mouths bloodless to the bit or rein,
And feet that iron never shod,
And flanks unscarred by spur or rod,
A thousand horse, the wild, the free,
Like waves that follow o'er the sea,
Came thickly thundering on,...
~Lord Byron, XVII, Mazeppa, 1818

I am constantly grateful to know a horse, to look deep into their eyes and feel a connection to their soul. I know the freedom felt from a horse’s back with the fury of thundering hooves. I know how in the summer their coats glisten and the scent is warm. In the winter their coats grow long and their bodies grow fat. I know how to exist at peace in the same space as a horse and to control my emotions because they directly influence a horse’s. I know the feel of a saddle and the confidence I’ve gained. I know how to gather their mane in my hands and hold on tight. I know horses are a perfect metaphor for how we should live, brave and strong and boundless in forward motion. All of this I know because I’ve been granted a gift. However, this gift of domesticated horses comes at a price. Wild horses are quickly becoming a thing of the past. More and more their numbers are shrinking and their futures are becoming uncertain. A year and a half ago I spent a day in the Kiamichi mountains with a man named Bryant Rickman. He was doing amazing work to conserve a bloodline of Spanish Mustangs and allowing them to remain mostly in their wild, natural state of freedom. But even as I got to see the herds and peek in on their instinctual ways of life, logging companies were demolishing their habitat and they were slowly being forced off the mountain they lived on. Yesterday I met two girls who are also doing great work to rescue wild mustangs. The horses are smart and hold so much potential, a lot of them will be great with people but still I long for there to always be a place for horses to run free...

Sadness

"It is such a secret place, the land of tears."
-The Little Prince


Sadness… I think we all know a little too much about sadness. In its universal ability to affect us, it is still very unique to the individual. Grief, in particular, is a deep ravine where no one can anticipate how they will handle the terrain.
For me, the death of my mother has been an unmerciful teacher in the lessons of sadness. Every sadness since her absence has balled itself back into that one cold, hard truth of my life. She’s gone and it is often unbearable.
I have this silent fear that despite all I’ve been blessed with, and no matter how good life can (and does), become, I will always find it to be just unsuccessful attempts to assuage her loss.
That being said however; is just an aspect of this journey that I’m on, that we’re all on. Deep down, I do know how beautiful life is and I know how lucky I am. It takes effort and time, but more and more, I am seeing that the good things are not attempts of atonement but rather, proof of how strong love is. No matter how fleeting time can be, love will continue ever strong. My mother is there in everything that I do and all that I become. She is the strength I have and the work ethic. She is the mind and the stability. She is the determination. I owe so much to her and as hard as it is for her to be gone, I know she has given me so much so that I may live my life and succeed. .
Yes, sadness invades a great deal of my emotions. It used to be constant and expected, but now it has evolved into using guerilla warfare and showing up in rushed surprise assault. I don’t exactly know which is worse but I do know that I am learning how to fight back.

Fashion

"Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening,"
Coco Chanel

The other night I put on a dress, quite possibly, the most beautiful dress I’ve ever owned, and for a rare evening, I felt glamorous. It is funny that fabric and thread can do that for a person. But what it can’t do, what you have to do for yourself, is decide to possess inner confidence, to believe in yourself, your worth, your future, and strut toward it with the confidence of a girl in those high heels and satin. I think I’ve always held a good grasp on that inner confidence. What I struggle with, is my confidence in the outer. It can’t be dismissed completely. It is important to feel like you look good, but so many people do get caught up. That becomes the sole factor in one’s entire focus or mood, me included on many days. We need to realize that we are simply blessed to be alive, to breathe air into our lungs and gaze at the stars. The other night, I was lucky to be surrounded by wonderful friends at a wedding. We were in a vineyard reminiscent of Italy but it glowed under an immense Oklahoma night sky. We laughed and caught up and I tried to savor the moment and be happy. We are given such a gift to be here, to be alive. Underneath the glitz and glamour or even mundane and everyday, of moments or places, is what is truly important, the relationships and the life we are gifted. We need to keep focused on what matters, and it’s not how we’re dressed or they way we look. What matters are our goals, our determination, and most of all, our hearts. The other night was a testament to that. I am so thankful for what and more importantly, who, I’ve been given. It was just a bonus to feel pretty in a blue dress.